Pickles and Onions: A Harry Potter Story
by Jesika-Jesika
Summary: I like chicken I like liver meow mix meow mix PLEASE deliver!
1. The Beginning

Pickles and Onions: A Harry Potter Story.

A/N: The title probably has nothing to do with the story so BLUH! I called it that because I love pickles I'm not sure about my relationship with onions and it's a Harry Potter Story. Hence the characters. Oooh where did that word come from?! Hence I have to use that more often!

Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN THIS!!! Wow that was great I hope you understand what im trying to tell you.

"Oh My Goddles!!" Ronald screamed one freezing July morning after dinner. "I'm Ronald Weasley! But you can call me Fiddlesticks because I'm British." After saying this he opened his eyes to find that nobody was there except Dobby the house elf.

"RON!! IM AWARE THAT YOU ARE SLIGHTLY MAD BUT PLEASE DO NOT SHOUT WHILE IM IN THE ROOM!!!" Dobby yelled this at the top of his lungs.

Ron or Fiddlesicks was slightly mad, crazy, wacked, nuts, cookoo whatever you want to call it. He yelled things that didn't make sense at the top of his lungs every now and then. Most people were used to it by now.

Harry came running down the stairs to see who shouted the second time. When he say it was Dobby he pulled a hairbrush out of his butt and killed Dobby with it somehow.

"So that's what crawled up your ass and died! I was wondering." Ron said.

Harry got a tad angry at Ron so he ran to the nearest window and started screaming as loud as he could. Ron was frightened at this so he too started screaming as loud as could. The loud screaming woke every single Gryfindor (sp?) up. Some were frightened like Ron (mostly the first and second years) and started screaming in fear as well. Others saw it as a chance to release some anger. In the end everyone is Gryffindor was screaming .


	2. Albus, Albus, ERNIE!

CHAPTER TWO!!! YEAH!!!

A/N: ThAnK yOu! tHaNk YoU vErY mUcH! You have no idea how long it took me to write that. It's hard typing in capitals and lower case. ENOUGH BLIBBLE!! On with the shtory (I meant to say shtory!)

Just then Dumbledoor came in the common room and hexed them all! "Praise be to the light! They were giving me a headache!" Albus exclaimed. He turned around to see none other than Fudge (big man in a high place)

"Albus I saw what you just did! You're horrible! Horrible! HORRIBLE!! Those poor children all they were doing was giving you a migrane that could make your head explode it hurt so much!" Fudge was ANGRY with a capital ANGRY!

"First of all FUDGE my real name is Ernie." Albus said slipping a $20 bill into Fudge's coat pocket. "And second of all...this never happened." Fudge nodded and vanished with a lick of his pimp cane.

"Dam! I wish I had one of those pimp canes to go with my hat!" Albus said jealously. Suddenly Profesor McGonagal dropped from the sky, fell through the cieling and landed in Dumbledoor's bony wrinkling weak arms. They both fell to the floor.

"OH ALBUS! I WAS CURSED!" McGonagal screamed. Thats when Dumbledoor noticed the large dil pickles coming out of her nose. "I was in Diagon alley when I -

"HOLY HELL MINERVA! I don't want to hear how you got a curse that's highly contagious while you are sitting right on top of me! REMOVE YOURSELF! By the way I don't really care and...IM NO FRICKEN DOCTER!!" Albus screamed in a fit of rage! (a/n: rage isnt that a nice word?)

McGonagal started crying and ran to the hospital wing. But the pickles up her nose were so big that she couldn't see and ran right into a wall knocking herslef out. Mr. Severus Snape was the next to enter the disaster area.

"Albus, since you are sitting and I am standing, I tower above you so I will speak to you as if I am much more important. I have a problem and you are going to be the one to solve it. This is a subject I havent talked to anyone about for years." Just then Albus stood up now towering above Snape. "I HAVE FAT LEGS!" he whimpered. "Please, please help me Albus I've tried diets but they are slow! I've tried lypo but I'm scared of docters."

"Have you tried magic?" he replied as if it was the most obvious solution in the history of the wizarding world!

"Oh my god! Albus you're a genius." Snape skipped out of the common room as happy as can be.

"That pickle curse Minerva has reminds me of Usher. Oooh he's hott! Mmm mm good!" Albus mumbled licking his lips. Suddenly Hermione woke up.

"Weeeeeeeeeeeeee that was fun! Oh my gosh! Everyone is asleep! I don't know what to do!! HELP! HELP! HELP! Oh wait...nevermind I've got this under controll. I forgot I'm the smartest in the school. DUH! I read books like all day and when I'm not I'm either studying, eating and studying, sleeping and dreaming about studying, in class, or taking a dump and studying. Oh who am I kidding! I have no self esteem! No body likes me! I smell like horseraddish, I never shower, I have warts because I lick toads! Waaaaaaaaaah!!" Hermione was crying now and everyone around her that was awake was laughing histerically at her misfortune.

KNOCK KNOCK.

"Helloooo in there!! We are in desperate need of an ending for this upidstay chapter you know! I mean you dont want your readers to get tired of reading a story that makes no sence do you?!" Draco was shouting at the beautifully talented author. " I'm actually here to anounce that I am the sexiest person alive and you should all bow before me."

"Draco! We've seen your website! If you haven't noticed you look like a 40 year old man." Someone yelled from the corner.

Right well Thats all for now I'm off READ THIS AND REVIEW IT!!


	3. YEHAW!

Chapter 3 YEHAW!!

A/N: I have noticed 2 things in my horrible excuse for a story: 1. Spelling and Grammar mistakes. and 2. My chapters are too short for my liking. The problem is I only notice these horrible mistakes after I post chapters!! GASP!! I do reread before I slap a new chapter on but I guess that maybe I'm blind or just stupid...HELP! Oh ya and I don't know where this story is going. I'm trying to make it funny. Is it working?? If not I'll have to take drastic measures like throwing in a Dobby/Hermione romance or something. Gross but hey do what ya gotta do and I might not have to do it. By the way you don't have to read this Im just trying to make my chapters longer because short ones annoy me. BIBBLE

"Hello. My name is unfortunately Neville Longnbottom. And I simply MUST say that I LOOOOOVE pound cake! My best friend Clifford the Big Red Dog and I have some breaking news. We are standing here live in the Gryffindoor common room where an attack has takien place just this morning. (AN: Someone tell me how to spell that evil word, Gryffindoor before I throw a hissy fit!) It seems that all the people in this house, except me of course, have been hexed. The source of the attack has not yet been determined but officials are on the case. It seems the Headmaster has fled the country and it is possible that he will not return for fear of 'cutting the cheese.' Well I'm Neville Longbottom (AN: theres history behind that name!) and 'That's how the cookie crumbles' Goodnight"

"Turn off the telly will you please Goyle old chap?!" One Draco Malfoy said from his place in an armchair.

"Uhh...I don't know how dude can you do it?" Goyle replied stupidly.

"Of course not! I'm a Malfoy who doesn't know a thing or two about muggle appliances or even how to turn them off!" Draco started shouting things at the poor innocent television and pointing at it with his wand. "Why the hell is this thing in here anyways?" he scoffed. (AN:I dont know what scoffed means so bear with me) Silence. Eventually the television was turned of. But not because either of them can read buttons but because they smashed it to bits.

"AHH A MOUSE!!" Crabbe screamed, like small girl and hopped into the air. Draco simply stepped on it and killed it to death. (AN: lol kimp)

"Oooh excitement!" Draco said gayishly. Crabbe is still floating in the air. The three of them then decided to go to dinner.

"I'M SO HUNGRY I COULD EAT A WAL-MART SALES ASSOCIATE!" Ron shouted in the Great Hall. Nobody seemed to notice. He was eating alone today. Possibly because all his housemates were still uncontious in the common room. Ron had been saved by his love of shiny things. Just as Dumbledoor came in to hex them all he bent down to grab a shiny object. Thinking the floor was a comfortable place to be, he fell asleep and didn't wake up until dinner time.

"I have an announment to make. Listen up!" It was Madam Pomfrey. "I have some horrible news, as MANY of you know there was an attack on the Gryffindors this morning. We have concluded that it was fatal." Silence. "Fatal means dead." GASP! "THEYRE ALL DEAD! Well except one student and his name is Ronald Weasley." Ron stood up expecting applause but got...nothing.

"I sit and wait does an angel contemplate my fate and do they know the places Where we go when we're grey and old 'cos I've been told that salvation lets their wings unfold So when I'm lying in my bed thoughts running through my head And i feel that love is dead I'm loving angels instead And through it all he offers me protection a lot of love and affection Whether I'm right or wrong and down the waterfall Wherever it may take me I know that life won't break me When I come to call he won't forsake me I'm loving angels instead When I'm feeling weak and my pain walks down a one way street I look above And I know I'll always be blessed with love and as the feeling grows He breathes flesh to my bones and when love is dead I'm loving angels instead And through it all he offers me protection a lot of love and affection Whether I'm right or wrong and down the waterfall Wherever it may take me I know that life won't break me When I come to call he won't forsake me I'm loving angels instead" Ron sang the entire Angels song by Jessica Simpson. **(AN: i dont know if anyone sang it before her so bibble) **It was one of those akward silence moments.

Ron was walking down the hallway once again alone, humming the tune to 'Tom Sawyer by Rush' when suddenly he fell over. "That was QUITE unexpected!" he exclaimed. But when he got up he found himself in a world of flowers and drugs and worst of all...hippies. After taking a look at his surroundings Ron took a look at his attire. He was not dressed like a hippie (thank god) but in a ladybug costume, the kind little 3 year old kids would wear on their first time trick or treating. (lol try and imagine that) Some music he could not understand started playing loudly in the background and the hippies were dancing around him like clowns. Poor defensless Ron didn't know what was going on so he started dancing like a clown as well. Eventually he started to notice that one of the hippies looked oddly familiar. Somewhat like a high oddly dressed version of...Dumbledoor.

Ron quickly grabbed the old wizard by the arm and took him to a corner. "Proffeser! What are you doing here?" Ron asked slightly dumbfounded.

"Dancing of course Ronald! Are you blind?" He replied.

"Is there a specific reason why I am here? I was just walking and I fell down. What the hell is up!" Ron asked a tad angry.

"Everyone you see here has come because they are running away from something. You see the lady with the really long purple hair? She is cheating on her husband. And that man over there with the abnormally large nose robbed a shitload of banks." Dumbledoor said as if nothing was out of the ordinary.

"Two questions sir. Why are you here? And what could I possibly be running away from?" Ron questioned.

"I'll let you in on a not so little secret....The attack on the Gryffindors...that was me." whispered Ernie aka Albus aka Dumbledoor aka the headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. (For those of you who didn't know) "As for you my friend you could be running from a life of lonliness, or perhaps a giant bear. You will find out soon enough."

"Whatever! How do I leave this place? It smells odd here. And I would like to change my clothing. This costume is making me itchy.

AN: That is all my fellow idiots...for now. MWUAHAHAHAH cough cough HAHA ha cough Just review.


	4. Welcome to HELL!

A/N: hehehe thanks for the MILLIONS of reviews I have recieved. I hope i don't drown in them! Oo --- See that? Ya? I bet you do! Ya! He's confused. Why might you ask? Well I don't know and he won't tell me because he doesn't know either. Do you believe me? I bet you don't. You know why? No. No you don't. Well I guess i'll have to tell you why you don't believe me. Won't I? Ya I will. You don't believe me because I don't live in Cleveland and Cleveland rocks. All the little kids with their crimson lips go Cleveland rocks Cleveland rocks Cleveland rocks. Ok stupid'ed on with ye old tale...

Meanwhile...IN HELL!!

"Harry where are we?" Hermione asked a little shaken.

"Can't you read Hermione?" Harry asked pointing to the top of the page.

"Yes but I was too occupied with our red hot surroundings to notice a paper telling us where we were. Don't make me feel stupid or I will have to glue rocking chairs all over your body and you won't be able to move."

"Oh lookie!!" Harry squeeled mercelissely.

"WHAT!" Hermione roared.

"Theres the devil up ahead. Im going to get his autograph! Come with me?"

"No way in hell!"

"Great! Come on!" They both ran to the velvetly red throne towering above them. Yes velvet...in hell.

As they approached the the throne a devilish looking...man like thing rolled his eyes. He was quite short about half the size of...you and thats DAMN short! His body was completely purple. No horns if you can believe it, and I know you can! And he didn't carry a pitchfork but an oversized severed chicken leg. Yes I know not your average fairytale devil but...ITS MY DAMN STORY GET OVER IT!

"What the HELL (oooh how...origianl) do you runts want?" For lack of a better word, the Devil said. He had a very high voice. But that cant be hard to believe seeing how he's purple.

"First of all your magesty or highness whatever the hell you want to be called." Harry seemed very proud at his use of the word hell. "I am taller than you so dont go calling me a runt. And second of all...can I please have your autograph??"

"Lets see here Mister...Harry Potter" Devil said looking at a very large and incharge list one of his slaves was holding up. "Before you enter the gates to...HELL I will give you an autograph and I must tell you the three main rules of...HELL!" He bellowed scribbling something on a shit of paper and handing it to Harry. (Did you see that? lol hehe im gonna leave it like that and see who notices)

"Ok kid first rule of...HELL is that whenever you are going to say...HELL you must have a short pause then shout the word. Like this, welcome to...HELL!" Said he. (Huh? is that gramatically correct?) "The second rule is that you must NOT make fun of...me. For I am the ruler of all...HELL! The third and final rule is the most important and should for no reason at all, be broken. As long as you are here in...HELL you MUST have a cat."

"Why a cat?" Hermione asked.

"Do not question the laws you little hobo. You just must have a cat. No further questions!" The Devil replied rather annoyed.

"Well can we share a cat?" Hermione questioned.

"NO!! No, you may NOT share cats...EVER! Share? What a stupid idea! Sharing in...HELL?! You must have bumped your head on the way down here! Never in my entire life have I been asked a stupider question. Sharing....PAHA!" The Devil was now laughing his head off. (Sharing PAHA!)

Harry and Hermione walked past his throne. Just a few steps ahead A very tall butchy ugly...thing handed each of them a map and...a cat.

Wow that was a chapter. Hey why not review? It took me atleast 3 days to write this. Probably because I have no imagination. Or maybe I just suck at writing...whatever you want to call it. Im learning to live.


	5. CHAPPY!

H and H were wondering what to do when Harry remebered something. "We need to name our cats!"

"Poppit I name you Rumplestiltskin!" Harry yelled. "Your turn Hermione."

"Poppit I name you Snuffleupagus!" She bellowed. "My cat is WAY better than yours Harry."

"Want a bet? I challenge you to a duel!" Harry replied making his cat do Kung Fu.

"No I want to go get a tour guide seeing how we dont know where the hell to go!"

"Hermione did you not read the map?" Harry asked.

"Harry did you not notice that these maps are shit?! Now come on!" She said aggrivated.

They came across a big group of people who were being lead by another ugly tall monster. "And this is the movie theatre where we constantly play Bambi." The guide said. "Now if you turn your attention over to the right we have the dollar store. You might not want to go in there..."

"Ok screw that lets just wander." Hermione said rather pissed off.

"Hermione you've been nothing but angry since we got here! This is the happiest place under earth!" Harry exclaimed.

"Except for the fact thats its hotter than hell down here!"

Suddenly two very gruff looking monsters in police uniforms came and put Hermione in handcuffs. "What the...HELL are you doing occifers?" Harry asked.

"Its officer and your friend here has broken the law!" The tallest officer said. "Did you not notice what she said?"

"Oh my god! Hermione! How could you forget the rules so soon?!" Harry was shocked.

"I don't get it what's so bad about saying hell and not...HELL!?" Hermione asked.

"Ok we were just going to give you a ticket seeing how its your first offense but you blew that chance! You're coming down town! You have the right to remain silent. What you say can and will be used against you in...HELL!" The officers told Hermione.

"It's going to be a long day. Try using that against me buttmunch!" Hermione shouted.

"Im convinced that was not the best idea Hermione" Harry said worriedly.(?) "Well have fun in jail Herm I'm going to go look around our new home." Harry sighed.

Harry James Potter (lol stupid name) was walking around when he walked right into someone. He looked up and saw an actual human! "HEY!! You dude, right in front of me! HELLOOOOOO!!!! Look over here! RIGHT HERE DAMMIT!!"

"Hey little dude! Why did you walk right into me? That caused me pain. Seek help." The man replied.

"Well I walked into you because I'm blind. And I was wondering if you would show me around."

"How did you go blind kid? And yes I will show you around. My name is Ralph. What's yours?"

"I went blind from...citrus. It was tragic. My name is Harry...Harry Potter" He said expecting Ralph to know who he was.

"...Right well that building in front of us is the hippie club. When some people die they just get dropped in there and nobody ever tells them where they are. I'd advise you not to go in there." Ralph said.

"Ralph I really like you and everything, but I kind of have a fetish for hippies and drugs. You know that kind of thing. So...uhh see ya around...maybe. Hopefully not." Harry said and ran toward the hippie building.

If you didn't clue in yet this just happened to be where Ron was. Just as Harry was walking in, Ron was walking out. And as you could hopefully guess they bumped into eachother. Wow that was unexpected. "RON?!" Harry exclaimed.

"Harry! I am so glad to see you!. Those hippies were freakin' me out. Do you happen to know where we are?" Ron asked.

"We are in...HELL!" Harry replied. "Have you seen anyone else we know?"

"NO! Not even Draco got dumped here!" Ron said going red with anger.

"I didn't know he died." Harry said his eyes filling with tears. (hehe) "Wasn't it only our house that got attacked? PLEASE SAY IT WAS!"

"SUPERCALIFREDJILISTICEXPEALLIDOTIOUS!!!!" Ron shouted. (AN" hehe I dont know how to spell you guys try! I was thinking about it for half an hour!) "I guess Hermione got into heaven then?"

"Psh! Ya right! She's in jail!" Harry exclaimed. "She said...HELL the wrong way."

"Ok then..."

"So Ron first order of business...you need a cat!" Harry said.

"Why and where?"

"Uhh...it's kind of the law!! And here take Hermoine's cat for now. She named it Snuffleupagus."

"Thanks...I guess." Ron said.

"Hey! I just had a great idea! Lets go see Bambi!"

"Bambi...Why Bambi?" Ron asked.

"It's all they got. SWOOSH!" Harry replied.

Ok I thought it was about time to reply to some reviews. So you guys don't think Im a robot just writing stories and I don't care. And for a desperate attempt to make my chapters longer.

Chapter 1

P.T. RINK: LLLOOOLLL! HA I beat you.

I-LOVE-VEGETA: Just plain weird....Yup that's me.

resentment: Watch butterflies? Ya I didn't quite get that part...but hilarious?? ME HILARIOUS?! Thats preposterous!

Chapter 2

resentment: No comment...I'll just walk away now.

Leowyn Evangolen: OMG!! IM GLAD YOU LIKE IT I WILL WRITE MORE!!!

your mum: Thanks mom!

Chapter 3

Fool Moon: Thanks for the spelling That is the hardest word EVER!! READ YOUR STORIES?!?! ARE YOU CRAZY?! Of course I'll read them.

resentment: Third review. Wow your on a roll. Thanks. Sorry to hear about your tragic death.

BillysRiotgirl: KIMP!! hey!

Nicole: Wow great name. LOVE IT! Post more...I'll get right on that.

Chapter 4

Leowyn Evangolen: Hmm well to tell you the truth I have no idea what you said or why you added an s to the end of each word.

resentment: South Park the movie sounds intersting...

Nicole: Lol thanks I didn't want to make a fool of myself on national television!!

BillysRiotgirl: Kimp! Sheep sounds good I'll slap a few in there...somewhere.

Well that's all for now folks I'm here all week! Toodle-oo


	6. DUDE! How bout an Authors note?

Ok SO! I'm not quitting or anything. Heaven forbid! I'm just writing this to take a break from ALL the writing I have been doing on this story! Which has been like ...nothing. But I need something to keep you people reading so I dont lose some very nice readers. ---Compliment...RIGHT THERE! I won't update alot because of what most people refer to as...school. I like to call it...HELL! Sadly the summer has been sucked up by the angry evil dead teachers down in Hell who want revenge on the children for their tragic deaths that the children had nothing to do with. WHOO! I call that a run on sentence. So for chapter 5 I got 3 reviews! THREE! Can you believe that?! I can't! I don't know if Im disapionted or...happy. I shiver at that word...happy...PSH!

Oh just so you know Harry wasn't blind. I just said that...for no reason...ya. I thought this was really important and I need to tell you. Yesterday I was driving home from Wal-Mart, yes the very place that the Wal-Mart associates work if you didn;t know, and there was this guy who was hitchhiking (which by the way I do not recomend SO DONT DO IT) and he only had one leg. I mean I've seen a hitchhiker with no legs so he kinda had a reason to do it. But this guy...NO EXCUSE! You got a leg! USE IT! Sorry I had to express my feelings about that.

Ya so my story isn't the best. It does have a plot! Just give me time to figure it out! I remember when we were driving, driving in your car speeding so fast felt like I was drunk. City lights lay out before us, and your arm felt nice wrapped round my shoulder! Ya...sorry bout that. I just LOVE that song! So anyways...GREAT! JUST PERFECT! I had something I wanted to say! FUDGE BEDIDDLES! I forget...stupid song EVERYTHING! Now I'll never find a good college to go to and I will be working as a hobo in Mexico selling drugs to little kids! Damn!

Ok I have on more thing to say before I leave to read other peoples stories that are far better than my own incredibly stupid creation. (I got to stop doin that) I have MSN! Yay! But I only have 132 contacts...so if you have MSN...PLEASE ADD ME!! I HAVE NO ONE TO TALK TO! Ok bye for now because I have way better things to do and I know you do too!


	7. ButterThat about sums it up

AN: Ok lets all pretend the Authors Note I wrote was a chapter to I don;t confuse you all by saying things like "Ok heres chapter 7. Well its actually chapter 6 since the last one was an authors note. hahaha please love my story!" Because that would be gay and confusing. So this is CHAPTER 7! I also wanted to add that my title sucks monkey balls so I wouldn't mind a few suggestions for a new one. Oh ya if you checked out my favourites list and saw my story there don;t come to the conclusion that I love my story so much I put it on my own list. Its just that I always forget what I wrote in the PREVIOUS chapter so I have to read it and thats the easiest way for me to get to it. I always try to take the easy way out because I'm cheap. "Here's your birthday present!" "A chewed up peice of gum...thank you Jes!" "It's all I could afford without spending any money at all" Sorry that was pointless. Last thing, I got a request from a reveiwer to add sheep to this story. I am loving the idea, so worship them!

Harry and Ron were walking through town...if you could call it that, and Harry was rather upset. "Harry what's wrong with you?" Ron asked.

"YOU WANT TO KNOW WHATS WRONG?! I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S WRONG!" Harry shouted.

"Ya please I wouldn't mind."

"You are getting all the attention! YOU! They pat your head! Pinch your tush! THEY EVEN WINK AT YOU! Do you know who I am?! IM HARRY JAMES POTTER! The dude who killed Voldemort Van Winkle a while ago! I DID THE DEED! Your getting all the attention down here! You're sucking up my pinches! I want those pinches! I DESERVE THOSE PINCHES!" Harry exclaimed.

Ron pinched him on the butt. "There you go Harry I didnt mean to make you unhappy. And umm Van Winkle?"

"I tickled him until he told me his real name. It was rather disturbing to hear a very threatening name followed by a sissy Van Winkle. Thats when I killed him. The name was hurting my ears and messing with my mind." Harry replied.

Suddenly a rather large orange cat came out from behind a tree and started rooling over in the middle of the road. Harry and Ron were intrigued! So they went to the middle of the road, sat down with the cat and started buttering it. The many people around them found this rather interesting and started buttering it as well.

Soon the cat was nothing but a buttery blob. The cat took a few steps then fell over and didn't move. Everyone went over to it and found out it had died of butter suffication. The people all looked at eachother then ran to get their cats.

They had a cat buttering party in the middle of the road. After half an hour or so there were large lumps of butter all over the place. Then to everyones surprise the Devil himself showed up.

"You all know that these cats were supposed to live with you forever and you just killed them all!" He said.

"Sir we hate your damn rules about cats. Heck we hate cats!" Ron said standing up for everyone. "I think you should make us have parrots instead!"

"RON ELIZABETH WEALEY! I'm glad you are brave enough to speak up, but it was not a wise choice. Think of me as a king. You wouldn't contradict a king would you?" He asked rhetorically.

"I have just one more thing to say...TO BE CONTINUED!"

And the Devil was right, this is too be continued because I'm so tired I need clothes pins to keep my eyes open and it's starting to hurt my face. I mean its 9:00 for gods sake! Past by bedtime! By the way I am very disapointed in the lack of reviews for chapter 6! Just wanted to let you incase you care about my happiness. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!


	8. Chapter 8 8!

AN: I was looking for stories to read since reading mine would be pointless and I noticed that there are BUCKETS of stories about Snape's real life. And as I was writing that previous sentence I noticed that I haven't yet thrown sheep in my story! GASP! Yes I know the sheep have not yet been thrown. LETS HAVE A BARBEQUE! No let's learn how to SPELL barbeque! Ya...no let's just read the story.

Harry and Ron decided to go visit Hermione in jail.

"Hermione! So glad to see you!" Ron said when he saw Hermione.

"Hey when did you get here? You weren't with us when we came down here." Hermione asked.

"Oh for craps sakes! Do we really have to tell you about the hippie thing?!" Harry yelled.

"No Harry it's ok. I'm not sure if I want to know. So about this jail thing....IM NOT HAPPY HERE!"

"Well you see Hermione, do the crime, tell the time!" Ron said.

"Actually Ronald I think the expression is you do the crime, you do the time...idiot. Ooh you'll never guess who is in the cell next to me!"

"WHO?!" Harry and Ron said at the same time.

"Is it Draco?" Harry asked.

"Is it Nancy Mckoen?!" Ron asked. They both looked at him funky.

"No no. It's...MARTHA STEWART!" Hermione shouted.

"Wow I don't even want to pretend I care." Ron said. "I'm gettin' hotter by the hour. Loaded. Loaded." Again they looked at him funky.

"Thats gotta stop!" Harry yelled. "So Hermione, Ron and I have to get jobs to get enough money to bail you out of jail."

Ron fell over.

"..."

"Well I guess I'll be dragging Ron out of here now, and leave to do what you jailbirds do." Harry and Ron left.

The "boys" decided to get jobs at the post office. They were there a total of 3 hours because they quit. They tried a few other jobs, but quickly found out that doing something for a living wasn't really their strong point. Suddenly someone bumped into them knocking them all too the ground!

"Watch who you're bumping into!" All three of them said at once.

Harry and Ron opened their eyes to see none other than Draco Malfoy staring back at them. GASP!

"I was wondering when you would find your way down here!" Ron said.

"For your information Ive been here a while. A few days after you died, Dumbledoore commited suicide. The teachers couldnt handle everything so they just killed everyone...except themselves which was SO unfair! Nobody actually killed me. Madam Hooch was coming after me with a scented candle, and when I was running I smacked right into a metal pole and died. Thank god I didn't go like Cho."

"What happened to her?" Harry asked.

"It was very bloody. She was reading a book in the bathroom when McGonnagal came up behind her with her wand."

"What kind of spell did she use?" Ron asked.

"Oh she didn't use any magic she just stabbed Cho many many times with her wand. A bit stupid of a proffeseur but it was a mad rampage, what did you expect?" Draco asked rhetorrically. "I guess Granger got into heaven."

"No! That's laughable." Harry replied. "She's in jail! Were you at our cat buttering party yesterday?"

"No I heard about it though. Sounds like you had fun. And you managed to kill all the cats too. Im impressed."

Ron was looking at them like they were attached at the ear lobe! Those two having a civil conversation was like a donkey giving birth to a parrot.

"What's going on here?" Ron asked.

"Why what do you mean Ronald?" Draco replied/asked/coughed/SLASH!

"You guys cant be nice to eachother its like against some law of physics!" Ron yelled.

"Umm calm down Ron. We have nothing to fight about." Harry said.

"You never had anything to fight about at Hogwarts but did that stop you?...No it didn't! Come on YELL AT EACHOTHER!"

Oh how very not interesting! It's pretty hard to right a story with no plot whatsoever. And its also hard to write write instead of right. YA GO TO HELL!

Complaining Corner!

I feel it's important to bring to your attention that there are way to many Mauraders stories! And when I said way to many I meant WAY TO MANY! Some people don't even know who they me cough They are so insignifigant in the stories (unless I missed a chapter or cant read) that I dont really care about them.

Wow review I'm tired I have to sleep. Need my energy for all that tv Im gonna watch tomorrow


	9. Chapter 9

AN: This is so embarrassing! I cant even write a sentence without leaving out a word or misspelling something or adding a word! IM HORRIBLE!! ....HORRIBLE! Ok so they were talking to Draco...and now I have to think of something else to write...RIGHT?! About the whole sheep fiasco...they are REALLY hard to place in a hellish atmosphere! But I WILL put them in this chapter, which might I add is chapter 9! I never thought I'd get this far! I cant even do 4 Geography questions, but this is different. blah...blah...blah...Oh ya and I think the word fiasco is Spanish...FIASCO! If any of you were laughing while reading my story I now know why...It's because Im so pathetic that I cant even notice mistakes if I reread something ten times! YOU LAUGH AT MY PATHETICNESS! (It's a word...Look it up!)

"AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" Harry and Draco were yelling at eachother as Ron requested.

"You guys are sooo immature!" They turned around to see...HERMIONE?! How did she get out?

The boys looked at her funky! "You didn't escape did you?!" asked Harry.

"No no!...Ok I did but don't spread it around someone might hear you-HEY! Whats he doing here?!" She replied pointing at Draco ELIZABETH Malfoy.

"He got killed by a scented candle!" Ron told her in a voice that made him seem like a tattle tale little kid. One that tells on you for every little thing that you do and the parent gives them a cookie after every bit of imformation the kid feeds to them! Bad memories!

"Ok Ron...Heres your cookie!" Hermione threw a cookie that magically appeared in her hand...like in cartoons where the hero is going to kill a guy but when he walks into the room he has no gun and then BAM theres one in his hand! That bothers me.

"Hermione...you are an escaped convict! You have to run away and go in hiding...Like Sirius Black in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Which you can pick up at your local Wal-Mart in the book aisle!" Harry said, looking left like there was a camera there.

"Wait a minute guys...Im gonna have to come with you!" Draco said.

"Umm where are we going, that you have to come with us to?" Hermione asked.

"You guys are going into hiding because you escaped from jail...remember? And Im coming with you!" Draco replied.

"Oh ya I remember now! Do you guys want to flashback? You look confused."

"NO!" Ron and Harry shouted at the same time.

"Ok where to then? We dont know our way around or what dangers there could be around here. And why do you want to come with us so badly? You hate us REMEMBER?!" Hermione asked aggitated.

"Well for your information I know my way around here. The Devil gave me a tour when I was 13 because my father thought I should know where Im going when I die. Theres a place over the mountains where the Rogue elephants live. And I dont want to come with you...I have to!" Draco replied. "Because you will die if Im not there to tell you what to stay away from and where to go!" He said after no one said anything.

"Uhh DUMB ALERT! We are in...HELL! You know the place you go AFTER you die...you cant die twice! Except in some t.v. shows like South Park which is on the Comedy Network on weeknights at 9:30pm." Harry said. He had been advertising things alot lately. "And why would we want to go anywhere near ROGUE elephants!?"

"Uhh...just trust me!" Draco said. "We have to go over that mountain." He said pointing at Rons face.

A few hours later the four of them were walking up a very tall mountain. By saying very tall it gives lots of description of the mountain and how tall it really is.

"Old McDonald had a farm and Bingo was it's name-o!" Ron sang. "You guys, why would Old MacDonald name his farm Bingo?

"Ron he didn't name the farm Bingo. He named his dog Bingo! Like this...Old MacDonald had a dog and Bingo was his name-o!

B-I-N-G-O! B-I-N-G-O! B-I-N-G-O! And Bingo was his name-o!" Harry shouted. Everyone just rolled their eyes and wwalked on in an akward silence.

I reread it! I found no mistakes. Hopefully I read it right and will not emabrass myself! SHIT NOOOO! I forgot the sheep!


End file.
